Nobody’s perfect. It’s a phrase most of us have used at one time or another. And it’s true. But too many of us really don’t believe that. At least not for ourselves. And it can lead to detrimental and unproductive behaviours that limit our capacity for happiness.

So, what does being a perfectionist look like? What are the upsides, and the downsides? And how can you create a healthy relationship with your wish to be ‘perfect’ and learn to thrive, whether you reach that perceived perfection or not?

What is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism comes in three broad orientations:

1. Self – imposing unrealistic standards on yourself
2. Others – imposing unrealistic standards on others
3. Social – perception of unrealistic standards from others

Perfectionists do not always apply their unrealistic standards to all aspects of their lives. Some people are perfectionists when it comes to work or study, others in the way they look or their health, still others in organising or housekeeping. It might be one or many aspects of life which are affected by the need for perfection.

Causes

Why someone might become a perfectionist is a complicated matter. There are essentially two key components:

1. Some people are born with a propensity to be perfectionists, a trait which has probably been passed down from a parent or grandparent.
2. Learned Behaviour. This could be unconscious learned behaviour through observation of someone close to you as you grew up, or through positive or negative reinforcement dynamics as a young child.

Signs You Might Be a Perfectionist

There are a wide range of behaviours and mindsets related to perfectionism, such as:

• Being overly critical and quick to find fault – in yourself or others
• Setting unrealistically high expectations or goals
• Being unable to accept compliments
• Failing to celebrate success, particularly if goals were not quite reached or exceeded
• Unprepared to take risks
• Fear of failure
• Seeking validation from others, particularly those you perceive as more successful, powerful, attractive, or skilled in the area of your perfectionism

Positive vs Negative Perfectionism

There are essentially two sides to the perfectionist coin.  For some people, being a perfectionist is a positive thing, for others it is negative. It all comes down to whether you are wanting to achieve – positive or adaptive; or not wanting to fail – negative or maladaptive.

1. Adaptive

Adaptive perfectionists tend to have a healthier relationship with their perfectionist tendencies. Their goal is to achieve and improve, and whilst they aim high, they are not as adversely affected if they don’t succeed as negative perfectionists. Typically, positive, or adaptive perfectionists:

• Set high goals
• Have high standards for themselves and others
• Work hard for success
• Are achievement oriented
• Enjoy challenges
• Are effective problem solvers
• Have a desire for growth

2. Maladaptive

Since perfection is unattainable, when we have an unhealthy relationship with the need to be perfect, it can express itself in ways which lead to negative outcomes. These behaviours include:

• Procrastination
• Avoiding challenges
• Toxic comparisons to others
• Fear of failure
• Lack of creativity
• Feeling unworthy
• Low self esteem

Negative perfectionism is also linked to higher levels of depression, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Eating Disorders.

Being OK with Not being Perfect

It is possible to learn to be OK with not being perfect. If you can let go of the idea of comparing yourself to others, or to an impossible ideal you have in your mind, the act of striving, of challenging yourself, and of celebrating achievement – even if you have not quite reached your original goal – can lead to increased satisfaction in life.

Some things you can start to do right away that will help you move from a negative to a positive perfectionist mindset are:

1. Be mindful. Stay in the present moment and focus on what you are doing right now. Don’t think or worry about the outcome.
2. When you find yourself indulging in negative self-judgement, challenge those thoughts. What is the basis for them? Are they fair and realistic? If this was a friend, would you think the same way about them?
3. Practice Self Compassion. More often than not we are our own worst critics, and this is most true of Perfectionists. So rather than mentally berating yourself when you don’t measure up to an impossible standard, pat yourself on the back for getting as far as you did.
4. Keep some Perspective. It’s easy to look at the lives and achievements of others and feel like you are falling short. Social media has made this almost impossible to avoid. But it’s important to remember that all those social media posts are carefully curated – not to mention photo-shopped – to create the impression of a ‘perfect’ life, or body, or career, or family. Don’t be seduced by a bit of clever editing.
5. Talk to Someone. A good counsellor can give you some perspective on how your perfectionism might be impacting your life and support you in working through the challenges you face in turning your mindset around.

If you are struggling with the negative impacts of maladaptive perfectionism and would like support in finding tools to help you turn your mindset and behaviours into positive ones, please give me a call on 0490 697 289, or contact me here.