And when it is

These days we talk a lot about narcissism, so much so that it may seem like it is on the rise. However, there is no research to suggest that’s the case. What is more likely is that it’s just more visible thanks to social media and the internet.

That said, if you have a narcissist in your life, it can be confronting, exhausting and unpleasant. So let’s talk a little about narcissism, what it is, when it’s good, and when it’s not.

 

What Do We Mean by Narcissism?

The Macquarie Dictionary defines narcissism as:

Extreme admiration for oneself or one’s own attributes; egoism.

But there’s a lot more to it than that. In most people, narcissism is considered a personality trait. It can be divided into roughly two types – Adaptive and Maladaptive.

Adaptive Narcissism

Every one of us has some narcissistic traits. This is entirely healthy because if we didn’t we could not function in effectively in today’s society. This is described as adaptive narcissism and presents as self-confidence, self-reliance, resilience, and the ability to accept praise.

Healthy or Adaptive Narcissism is also impacted by age and stage of life, being more dominant in very young children (the Terrible Twos for instance), teenagers (as any parent of a teenager will attest) and the elderly.

Maladaptive Narcissism

The narcissism people most often refer to when referring to someone being a narcissist is what we call Maladaptive Narcissism, and it manifests itself in a number of ways. Essentially, there are five types of maladaptive narcissism:

1. Overt – where the person is outgoing, overbearing, and arrogant
2. Covert – characterised by avoidance, playing the victim and defensiveness
3. Antagonistic – the person is arrogant, competitive, argumentative and tends to take advantage of others
4. Communal – manifesting as self-described empathy, a sense of moral outrage and high level of sensitivity to perceived unfairness
5. Malignant – presenting as vindictive, sadistic, aggressive, and paranoid

Despite Maladaptive Narcissism being difficult to deal with, it is still within the normal range of personality traits.

 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

In some people, around 1% of the population, a clinical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder may be made. This diagnosis is made using the definition the DSM-5[i] and is described as:

“Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a cluster B personality disorder defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
2. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
3. A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
4. A need for excessive admiration
5. A sense of entitlement
6. Interpersonally exploitive behaviour
7. A lack of empathy
8. Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
9. A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes[ii]”

People with NPD tend to be controlling of people around them and are more likely to use gaslighting to manage relationships.

Whilst it’s not true that NPD cannot be treated, it is often difficult because those with NPD tend to see themselves and better than others and typically don’t perceive a problem with the way they approach life and relationships.

 

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist can be frustrating because of their inability to see anything wrong with their behaviour, but there are a few key things you can do to manage your own response to them.

• Research – find out as much as you can about the disorder, so you understand where they are coming from. This will help you manage your own response to them and your interactions.
• Be realistic in your expectations. Don’t expect them to change, or to see your point of view.
• Keep calm. Getting upset will only agitate or provoke a narcissist.
• Set clear boundaries. This might upset them initially, but be firm and consistent.
• Avoid direct confrontation or argument as this will inflame their need to feel in control. Find a way to approach issues in a way that doesn’t impact this need.
• Set up a strong support system for yourself. This should include a counsellor, who will assist you in managing the impact of narcissistic behaviour on your own feelings and the relationship.

Successfully managing a relationship with a narcissist can be tricky, depending on the level of narcissism and their role in your life. It’s unlikely they will change, so it will be up to you to decide whether or not you can accept their impact on your life.

 

If you are having trouble living or working with a narcissist and would like to discuss strategies you can use to navigate this difficult relationship, please give me a call on 0490 697 289 or contact me here.

 

[i] American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental health Disorders, 5^th Edition.

[ii] https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview#a1